Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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