taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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