Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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