Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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