Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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