final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
