I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Randomize