this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Im part way to drunk.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
