I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
