my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
