The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
