Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
