I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
