Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize