i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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