and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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