Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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