Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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