i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
