Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
3 2 1 whiskey
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
