Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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