nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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