shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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