and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
