someone owes me an orgasm
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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