anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
