btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize