Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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