dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Floor bacon is actually really good
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
