Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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