just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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