Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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