Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
