You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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