she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
