Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
