It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
