About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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