i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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