Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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