Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Life is so much better after having sex.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
