I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
