Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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