The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just sent this text using only my big toe
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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