the condom got lost in my hair
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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