so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
