Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
