I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
