Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
