Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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