her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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