Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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