: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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