i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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